Black Girls Consult TOO!
The Black Girls Consult Too! podcast provides a business resource for women in consulting, especially women of color, to successfully navigate a hyper-masculine, highly competitive industry. It demystifies how to start and grow a thriving consulting business by simplifying the process and helping to avoid common pitfalls that can derail even the best ideas. Each episode is crafted to dive deep into consulting practice, business strategy, mindset, and more. For more information, visit www.excelatconsulting.com/podcast.
Black Girls Consult TOO!
Miniseries: Collective Trauma, Cultural Betrayal, and How to Succeed Anyway (Part 2)
Send me a text message and get your questions answered on the podcast! I'd love to hear from you!
The weight of the world feels heavier than ever, especially for women of color navigating consulting and entrepreneurship. But what happens when betrayal doesn’t come from outside forces, but from within your own circle or professional community?
In this episode, we explore the complex emotions tied to cultural betrayal and collective trauma, and how they impact your ability to thrive in business. If you’ve been feeling disillusioned, frustrated, or even stuck, this conversation is exactly what you need to regain clarity, build resilience, and move forward boldly. Tune in and discover how to show up for yourself, your business, and your community—no matter what.
***Subscribe and share this episode to inspire others to join this supportive and transformative conversation.***
For more information, visit https://excelatconsulting.com/
Hello and welcome back to the Black Girls Console 2 podcast. If you've been tuning in with me over the start of this miniseries, I'm not going through all of the normal fluff with the introduction because I am, let's just be honest, not really feeling it right now and I want us to just get into it and our first episode in part one. We were talking a lot about what has recently been going on here in the US with the elections and all of the emotions that have been high. We've talked about what it means to experience a collective trauma and the stages of grief that many of us are working through, myself included. One of the things that was very interesting to me is how people were receiving that particular episode and then how they're just navigating naturally through the grief process. So I decided that I wanted to go online on my Instagram account and just put some feelings out there, try and see what people were actually feeling and thinking and get them to verbalize that. But then also I did a little bit of just scrolling and watching. I wouldn't necessarily say I was doom scrolling, I was scrolling with the purpose online, but I just wanted to see what some of the conversations were on TikTok or Instagram and LinkedIn, and notice the vast differences between the platforms where you would go for people being raw and authentic on a platform like TikTok, to going to LinkedIn and everything being somewhat sugar-coated, I would say, or made to seem as if none of this had occurred, although evidently is playing a major role when it comes to how many of us feel, think and are acting in this present moment. I even had people mention to me that they felt like the world was just so heavy right now they were having difficulty focusing and getting things done. Last week was just very non-productive or unproductive, I should rather say. So what I wanted to take time to do today, in this particular episode, as we move through this series, is to talk about this concept, as I started to research and try to figure out what is really happening here, like what is happening and how can we begin to move past this point so that, no matter what is coming our way, we're able to be successful in the midst of that. There's so much that we're going to be learning that we're learning currently and that will change the way that our world looks as we move forward, and it's our responsibility, I feel, to take part in that change, to begin to shape it into what we want to see. We cannot bury our heads in the sand, bury our hands in the sand, and although we're navigating through a lot of different emotional stages and phases of the grief process and everything that comes with it, I do also want to better understand what other things are causing a lot of our feelings right now and a lot of what we're going through.
Speaker 1:One of the comments that I got most frequently on my story pretty much they all gave this particular tone, which was you know, I don't understand how this happened. I feel betrayed. I feel like I can't trust anyone that does not look like me, and this was especially true with Black women and Black men, because I also have men that follow me as well and follow and listen to this podcast. So this right here I was thinking I was like, oh gosh, like I didn't really expect people to ask me questions about betrayal. I was more so thinking they were worried about some aspect of how they would be able to run their business or land clients, etc. But a lot of the discussion was around this immense hurt that people felt, because they felt as if they had been betrayed. And when I was thinking about this whole aspect of betrayal in consulting and business and entrepreneurship. I was led to do some research because I really wanted to see are we overreacting or is there something really to this? And as I began to dig deeper and read more, there were some interesting things that I thought stood out stood out, one being that, whether you're familiar or not, there's a whole concept that exists around betrayal trauma. So in order to better understand what betrayal trauma really means, you have to understand just the traditional model for trauma.
Speaker 1:When we think about trauma, traditionally, we think about ourselves having defenses. We have a defense system, naturally meaning we try to protect ourselves. We try to protect ourselves from any harm that may come our way, but despite having that protection and that defense, we may still experience that traumatic event. The difference when you're thinking about betrayal trauma is that an individual has let down their guard to some extent, so that outer barrier, that outer defense that is typically there, is not fully sealed. Typically, when we think about betrayal trauma. This is something that I want us to relate to the types of betrayals that may occur between a parent and child or a relative and a family member. These are situations where you have an individual who normally would have their defenses up, but because they have trust in a particular individual based upon the relationship they built, they've let that guard down somewhat. This can also happen in business. This is not just in family. Maybe it's a partner in the business that you're creating and because you have been close, you let your guard down to some extent. That puts you at risk for harm.
Speaker 1:And so with betrayal trauma in this theory it does contextualize the trauma of interpersonal relationships where there is trust or dependency Like I said, with the parent dependency, even with the business partner, dependency and trust and when that's broken that level of hurt and trauma is significant. That betrayal trauma is real because this is a person that I thought I could trust, this is someone I thought would do the right thing. That's what we think about when we think about betrayal trauma. But it can expand beyond that. But when you expand beyond that and you get to cultural betrayal, this is a situation where it's no longer between two individuals, it's no longer interpersonal and it actually begins to affect and traumatize a whole group. So if you have a particular cultural minority that is found to be uniquely vulnerable because maybe, although they have their defense systems up. Although they have a center of protection by staying and grouping together either with a common mindset or a common background, whatever the sociocultural context is for their grouping, they are at risk of trauma that may occur from the inside, meaning that somebody who is part of that group or persons that are part of that group actually violate that trust and allows for there to be trauma to the group as a whole. So this is really true when it comes to ethnic minorities.
Speaker 1:So when it comes to us as Black folk, when it comes to us as women of color, when it comes to us who align with any of those things, it happens definitely as a result of the societal trauma of racism, and one of the things that played out in this election was the what many feel the obvious racism and sexism and misogyny that was present. Those are things that were highlighted as threats. So when the election occurred and people voted certain ways, for some people myself included, and definitely from those who have reached out to me on Instagram and were able to share their thoughts and express their feelings the issue was with how did this happen? How did these people betray me or us? Because that guard was let down. There was a certain level of trust that existed within the group that they were in, because they felt alignment. They felt that they were aligned on core values, on core beliefs, and, although we may come from different backgrounds, there was this belief that we were all on the same page. So when that trust was broken from the inside, it had nothing to do with what people knew to be true of those who were not part of their collective, but the people within that collective they assumed had similar goals and desires, had similar goals and desires, and so for that to be vastly different than what they believed could lead to this feeling of cultural betrayal.
Speaker 1:And so a lot of what we're working through right now is just like I gave, the example of the partner in business that the person was working with, and how that breakdown can occur and result in the type of interpersonal trauma and issues that can occur. We're dealing with this on a much larger scale, and so when I was thinking about what people were commenting on Instagram through my response to the questions I was posing, I really do feel like they were not just expressing frustration and anger that someone thought or viewed things differently. They were expressing the fact that this is an individual. These are individuals, rather, that we felt were on the same page, fighting for the same cause and aligned with our core values and beliefs. And now to know that is not true or to believe that is not true is what is causing so much disappointment and stress, and also it creates a sense of anxiety, because then you're trying to figure out who you can trust whether or not you're trying to figure out who you can trust whether or not you're in a safe space. How do you navigate that now that what you believe to be a safe space is no longer providing the safety that you thought you had? That's what a lot of people are going through right now, whether you are in a mastermind or a group coaching program or in school or in business or pursuing whatever endeavor where you're in a group setting and you thought you were in a group setting with a number of people who were on the same page with you.
Speaker 1:Tonight I'll find that may not be the case. It's eye-opening, it's hurtful, it's frustrating, it produces anger and rage, it leads you through that whole grief spiral, and so when we think about this level of trauma that has occurred, we know that we don't want to stay there. We know we have to move past that because we can't sit in a space. Because number one it's actually not new when you look back at history there have been many successful women professionals, consultants, entrepreneurs, et cetera over time when things were much worse than they are currently. So we know that success is still possible. We know that we can still achieve the goals that we set out to achieve. But now we just have to do it a little different.
Speaker 1:But in order to get to that point as we talked about that grief cycle going through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance in order to get to that acceptance point where you can stand and be very strengthened and ready to move forward, in order to get to that point, you have to heal or begin the healing process from the betrayal that you feel existed, especially if this is what many are feeling today. So one of the things that I thought was interesting when I started to dig a little bit further into how we get to that point is the fact that usually, when we think about these stressful events, many of us just want to check out. As a matter of fact, if you go online right now, there's so many posts about how Black women, especially, are going to just sit back and chill and just let everything play out, get their popcorn and watch it happen. And I get it, number one. A lot of things that we say have a slight comic relief to them. I always like to say you have to laugh to keep them crying at times. So I get it.
Speaker 1:I get the fact that definitely some of this is just turning the pain into something that is manageable and overcoming these challenges with laughter and joy. There's also some truth to it in that people are feeling as if they want nothing to do with the system and the people that caused this harm and because they want nothing to do with them, they want to remove themselves from the greater grouping and focus on the people that they know love and trust, making sure that they are okay, that they are strengthened, that they know love and trust, making sure that they are okay, that they are strengthened, that they are thriving, and let that be their goal. But what I want to say is that we still have work to do outside of our close-knit circles and in order for us to do that work, we have to think about ways that we can overcome and manage and be resilient in the presence of some of these traumas that are existing now or that may rear its head from time to time as we move forward. Now, one of the things I thought was interesting is that, when we think about how we overcome difficult moments, most people talk about relaxation and getting away and really allowing yourself to de-stress. But let me tell you right now, most of you are likely, like me, thinking that a spa day is not going to fix this. This is not a spa day solution. It's not a spa day solution. This is, instead, is a way for us to build coping mechanisms and build and strengthen our resilience so that we can continue to move forward. And what that means is that we have to also think about how we do this in a way that best honors our cultural background and the things that have been effective and shown to be effective over time for those who are minorities or facing this collective trauma that I'm mentioning.
Speaker 1:So, while we have to definitely practice trying to take in some downtime and protect our mind and protect our hearts, have to think a little bit beyond that and begin to explore how we can turn this trauma narrative into something that allows us to number one speak our truth, but then also turn it into something positive, because the more we can lean into that, the better we're going to feel, the more we're going to be able to process what has occurred and turn that into messaging that is helpful for not just for ourselves, but for others. And then it begins to allow us not to be so triggered by the events that may come in the future, because part of what often triggers us in these times is that we feel like we don't have control, and what I want us to know is that we do have control. You have control over your destiny. You have control over your business. You have control over your ability to be a masterful standout consultant in your space. You have control over that, and so, although you've experienced this very unfortunate event and you may feel as if this is going to keep you marginalized forever, it does not have to be so, and nor do you have to fight to the point of exhaustion. So a lot of what we want to do is talk about how we begin to not only build resilience, but then also how do we enhance our safety so that you can begin to regulate your nervous system just a little bit and feel more at ease to do the work that you've been called to do.
Speaker 1:One of the problems when you're responding to a very traumatic situation is that you cannot think and function clearly. You're not at your best, and if you are not at your best, it's going to cause a problem in the long term with regards to how you are able to grow and evolve over time. So, although these are like bricks stacked against you, I want you to recognize that they are a mere hurdle. They are not a wall that you cannot go through or that you cannot navigate through. They are simply a hurdle, and so, if they are a hurdle, we have to strengthen ourselves so that we can jump over it. Okay, so you're likely wondering I hear all that, but what do we do Now? This is where we have to get into action.
Speaker 1:One of the first things that I want us to do is to think about how we can come up with ways to cope with the current situation, because, in reality, this situation that will be present potentially for the next four years or even more we have to be able to cope with that. We have to be able to function in spite of that, and so part of the coping that I want to really encourage us to do right now is to think about how we find ways to de-stress and relax, meaning taking care of yourself, taking care of your mind and your body, physically eating well, exercising all those things are going to be needed, because you need to keep your mind and body strong in order to do the things necessary to be great at your work. Then, also looking at a lot of the feelings and the words that we are using and the things that we are expressing and allowing us to assess whether or not many of these beliefs and thoughts are true and, if they are true, finding ways to make them most helpful and, if they are true, finding ways to make them most helpful. So, for instance, if you have the belief that you have to work twice as hard to get half as far, that can really evoke an immense amount of stress, and I'm a believer personally that I do think that is the case. Some people may disagree, and that's fine. Do think that is the case, some people may disagree, and that's fine.
Speaker 1:But if that is something that you feel is a truth and a reality, then the second part of that is how do I structure my life, in my life circumstances, so that I am able to handle the stress that comes along with it. It's a matter of preparation. So is this a situation where you're going to lean into your spirituality and prayer? Is this a situation where you're going to set and establish specific dates and times where you're able to get away and you're able to nurture your spirit? Are you going to plan to use if you're still working and building your business right now use those PTO days so that you can take off time strategically to really provide the level of a mental break and relaxation to cope with the challenge of being able to show up that way?
Speaker 1:Some of this is just finding coping mechanisms that help us navigate where we are currently, and second to that, we need to be careful not to avoid all uncomfortable situations. Right, I get it. When we talk about relaxation, self-care, the knee-jerk reaction is to close ourselves off and protect ourselves, like I said when we were just talking about how we typically build defenses to protect ourselves from harm. So that's a natural thing that we want to do, but what we don't want to do is avoid exposure to those negative elements that may be present in our society, because when we get into this aspect of avoidance, what we actually do is we limit our success only because we're functioning in society as it is, so we have to handle the good and the bad that comes with that, and it's not about just being strong and toughing it out. Anyway, I want you to protect your energy and think about when you have the energy to do so, when you have the ability to do so and the mindfulness to be able to do so and handle it. But at the same time, I want us to also not avoid it, because when we have the avoidance, that can further complicate the picture, because then the avoidance leads us to not showing up in spaces that we need to be in. It leads us to play small when we need to play bigger. It limits our ability to grow and to scale and to build a larger platform that is going to help us build the wealth and other successes that we need in order to take care of ourselves, our families and our community.
Speaker 1:So we cannot avoid every negative circumstance. We cannot go into this practice of avoidance. We instead have to think about how we can be prepared to show up in these spaces and potentially even encounter various experiences that may be triggering in terms of some of the traumas that we have experienced. It may be somewhat triggering, but how do we plan ahead to show up in those spaces and to show up boldly in those spaces? We have to begin to do that groundwork of preparation. The key to not avoiding all of these negative instances is to be prepared to handle them, and prepared means that it's not that things won't catch you off guard they will still potentially catch you off guard at times but it means that you have a way and a plan and a means to respond. I don't suggest that we go out there with no plan, but being able to have the mental processes that we can walk ourselves through to remind ourselves of our strength and our ability, to remind ourselves of the successes that we have had thus far, to remind ourselves that everyone doesn't think in this way, that it's not in alignment with our core beliefs. There are many, many, many, many people that do align with what you believe in, the values that you hold dear, reminding yourself of the truth that this is not an all or nothing scenario, that we can have small wins, that we can have progress, no matter how small, and still be moving in the right direction. So the more we can establish those systems of positive self-talk to combat the negative experiences encounters that we may have, the better off we're gonna be.
Speaker 1:And then also and this is the last one that I wanted to point out, and this is, I would say, the most important in my opinion is that right now, I need you to find your network. You need to have that support for enhanced safety during this time. You need people around you that's going to help speak life into you and your business and your goals and your dreams that you have. Right now. You deserve that. You need people around you that are going to encourage you when times get difficult or challenges are there that you don't really honestly want to face. You need people there that are going to have your best interests at heart, that are not going to prejudge you by stereotypes, that are not going to limit you because of your sex or your race. You need a support system and definitely I hope that you see this podcast as part of that support system. But then also listen therapist, family friends. Build them now, pull them all in. Feel as if this is extremely heavy, then I think starting with therapy is a perfect way to go Finding those tools to use so that you can navigate that space more effectively.
Speaker 1:If you feel isolated, how can you get into community? How can you get into a community with a group of people that are aligned with what you believe? Actually, I was on a call very recently when I feel like I would call my support circle and my support group and we were talking about how best do we identify those who believe in what we believe in terms of just core values. I'm not necessarily getting into details. We all think differently, we're all going to have various of opinion, but the core of what we believe at the deepest, innermost part of our being that drives us, that should be somewhat aligned. So how do you find those people? And the one thing that we landed upon in our discussion I'm not saying this is right or wrong, this is just where our conversation went is that start leaning into the psychographics, start talking more about what you believe, start being a little bit more transparent about what you think.
Speaker 1:All of those things, if you do it in a safe setting, is going to lead you to the people you are meant to serve. It's going to lead you to the people you are meant to partner with. It's going to lead you to the people you are meant to collaborate with, who you are meant to serve. It's going to lead you to the people you are meant to partner with. It's going to lead you to the people you are meant to collaborate with, who you're meant to build community with, because you have at least a foundational alignment.
Speaker 1:The one thing that has happened over recent years is that many people as evidenced by our election results many people really feared how they actually felt, and that's why this is so shocking and so hurtful to so many people, because we weren't having those conversations. These are difficult conversations to have. We weren't having those conversations, so when all of this kind of came to a head, it was shocking. But the more that we can express our beliefs, our thoughts and our values in a more open manner, then we are going to attract those who are aligned. So I want to really encourage you to start thinking of it that way, to break beyond the limits of sex, race and any other kind of classification and start to think about psychographics and how I can lean into those individuals that have a similar viewpoint, a similar perspective and that want to see the world in a similar, or see the world rather in a similar way, the more that we can do that helps you to find that grouping, so that you're able to build this level of support that enhances your safety. Because're able to build this level of support that enhances your safety because you have to feel safe in order to show up as your biggest and boldest self. You have to feel safe in order to walk into a boardroom and compete for a contract and be confident in front of a group of people that don't look like you, that don't sound like you, that don't think like you. You have to sound like you that don't think like you. You have to have that boldness and that confidence. In order for you to have that, you need to support system.
Speaker 1:So the takeaway from this is I want you to do three things. I want you to think about how you are going to structure and create coping mechanisms that carry you through these difficult times. What are you going to do to take care of yourself, to nurture yourself, to feed yourself and improve your mental ability and your mental capacity to do the work? The second is that I want you to be proactive in how you are going to handle challenging situations and triggers. I want you to be proactive in how you are going to handle challenging situations and triggers. I want you to know and have a plan as to some of the things that you are prepared to do to make sure that you're able to show up and do your work day after day after day, whether that is recharging, whether that is leading into affirmations or other types of positive self-talk and reading or study, whatever it may be, prayer, whatever it may be. I need you to come up with that plan now so that you don't have to search for it in the midst of the struggle. And then, last but not least, I want you to build your support system. I want you to find the community to surround yourself with so that you can feel safe to do your greatest work as we move forward and we get into our future episodes.
Speaker 1:What I want to start talking about is how we begin to show up in those spaces. How do we begin to show up in a way that is going to allow us to stand out in our space, to be seen as bold experts in our space and to really garner the business that we need in order to build the wealth necessary to feel safer and have more flexibility and freedom, no matter what may happen. So that's going to be our goal as we move forward through the series. But I hope this episode has been helpful and just thinking through what many of you have expressed to me, which is this feeling of betrayal and not necessarily knowing how to process that or what to do with it, and I'm hoping that this episode just really walks you through some of the things that I have been able to pull together and come up with and I'm working through and using myself and I'm just sharing this with you. Like I said before, this is not to be a therapy of any source. I always recommend if there's deeper work to be done, please do not hesitate to go see a therapist or a specialist in that space. But as a group, working through this time together, these are some of the answers and solutions that I landed upon and I'm just hoping that it'll be a blessing to you as well.
Speaker 1:All right, guys, if you have not already, please share this mini series in the podcast with a friend that you think would enjoy these episodes, or any of the episodes, rather, on the podcast. Definitely, your help spreading the word is truly a blessing to this podcast. It helps it to grow and to expand. Also, if you have a moment, if you could just go on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and leave your review or your ranking or, excuse me, rating, that would be extremely helpful. It helps the podcast to be disseminated to more and more people and I hope that it has been helpful to you. If it has been helpful to you, if it has been helpful to you. That's just one small request that I have and would just truly appreciate. All right, guys, I will talk to you very soon as we move through in our series and until then, I wish you a lot of love and light. Talk soon, bye-bye.
